Bull in a China Shop or JK at the Gardiner

“Why is a plane wing sticking out of the top of the Royal Ontario Museum?” asks Bill, my lunchtime companion. “What happened? Why wasn’t it on the news?”

We’ve just been seated at Jamie Kennedy at the Gardiner,the restaurant in the ceramics museum overlooking the front entrance of the doughty old dowager of Queen’s Park.

‘Oh no, Bill” I say, “That’s the exciting new addition to the ROM. Some people are calling it the Dowager’s Hump.”

The DH dominates the room because the glass walls are partly obscured by floor-to-ceiling black bars. We are  boulversee by the restaurant’s charmlessness. We’re sitting with a score of others in the museum’s party room which provides for the overflow from the restaurant proper. That can be glimpsed through the open door, battleship grey institutional with functional furniture. I find an eerie parallel with the Stasi cafeteria in Lives of Other People which I’ve just seen. Only men in misleadingly sexy leather are missing. The message is eat and run instead of stay and have fun.

I can’t believe it. I thought franchising the JK name meant cloning the JK Wine bar, wildly popular with the echoboomers  who line up to eat alongside chatty stovetop cooks at work on tapas-style small plates. JK Wine Bar glows with a wall of large jars of preserved fruit and veg. It beats me why JK at the Gardiner isn’t atleast referencing the museum’s collection of enchanting 18th century eating vessels – our ancestors ate so beautifully, off plates scattered with wild flowers.

Then the penny dropped. I read again the small type. JK Gardiner is a part-time restaurant, open  seven days for lunch, dinner only on Fridays. The rest of the time the kitchen is catering. Lots of restaurant chefs do catering as well but in this case, the tail seems to be wagging the dog. Friends told me that they saw a sign saying that lunch was off the next day because of an event in the party room

Such multitasking may explain our tepid reception. We had  reserved for 1.30 – the only time available – but before I took a pre-prandial browse among the Minton, I dropped by the restaurant and saw several empty tables. “Oh could we….?” The maitre d’ wasn’t best pleased by our eagerness. We felt we’d somehow violated protocol.

Now to the food. This is the hard part. I hate to criticize Jamie Kennedy (billed as executive chef). He’s an inspiring leader, one of the pioneering chefs who have made Toronto into a food destination. He’s led the way with organic food and he’s now laying his celebrity on the line for Michael Schmidt, the dairy farmer who is our very own Jean Valjean and who is being hounded to eternity by a remorseless Inspector Javert, the Ontario government. Schmidt’s crime: selling raw milk to a few consenting adult foodies.

Even so, I can’t ignore that Mr. Kennedy  and daily chef Michael Dixon are responsible for my fitful,disordered lunch. It isn’t as if JK at the Gardiner has just opened – it’s had a six-month shakedown cruise.

The menu, which is changed daily, has twenty items listed tersely. We order the famous frites as a starter. Bill has Winter Vegetable and Wild Rice Soup which tastes of herbal water. I go out on a limb with Hopper with Curried Lentils and Carrots. A Hopper is a Sinhalese mother food. I don’t think I’ll be taking a culinary tour of Sri Lanka soon. Can’t faste a trace of curry in the lentils, chopped carrots and brussel sprouts. The sambals are delectable, crispy shallots, mango pickle, raita, roasted eggplant are delectable – on their own. I tried the fiery pickle with a brussel sprout – excruciating! Bitter and sour, one of the most unpleasant taste combinations I’ve ever experienced. Only a computer could have come up with this recipe.

I strike lucky with Hokkaido Sea Scallops with Celery Root and Beurre Blanc, a half dozen medium sized scallops perfectly seared in an ethereal butter sauce But Bill’s Hot Smoked Mackerel with Roasted Pepper Vinaigrette arrives while he’s still eating soup, and it’s cold chunks of barely-smoked and soggy mackerel on toast with a dab of something pink.

Ontarian wines are paired with each course. Wildass, a white blend, is recommended with the scallops. I’m so tired of snickering wine labels. Imagine asking a guest “How about some Cat’s Piss?” I ask instead for a sober Riesling.  

Our young waiter draws his eyebrows together earnestly: “That’s the antithesis of the suggested wine.” Bill is shocked. “I’ve never heard a waiter use the word antithesis.” From now on, the Mr. Erudition can do no wrong. Sure, he muddles up a couple of things – he forgot to bring the frites right away but what a godsend when they came. And when he sees us looking around for our desserts, he calls across the room ‘It’s ok, the kitchen knows about it.”.

Bill picks bland Apple strudel and Nutmeg Ice. Chocolate Mousse in a Brandy Snap is my nostalgic choice, the brandy snap recalling the epic teatime of my English childhood, a ginger biscuit rolled and usually stuffed with whipped cream. But what’s this? A scoop of mousse on its own – chocolatey enough but failing the weightlessness test. And where’s the brandy snap? My Proustian moment lies in shards. What’s going on? Even I can make a brandy snap, it’s just a question of paying attention to detail. Now I realize this goes for most of our lunch. This kitchen is in meltdown.

I drift past a chrome yellow Sevres plate. Looks good enough to eat. Shame so much of our lunch wasn’t.

Jamie Kennedy at the Gardiner. 111 Queen’s Park, Toronto. Reservations: 416 362 1957. Lunch Monday-Sunday 11,30 am-2.30 pm. Dinner Friday 5.30-8.30pm  Wheelchair accessible.
Lunch for 2 including wine, tax and tip: $110.